VOLUME 1 -- DOWNLOAD | BACK | NEXT

[#25]  One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
-   So, the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger
crowds than he ever did as a mime.
-   However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.
-   Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a  partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
-   At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being as good an attraction as the gorilla.
-  Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime
is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.
-   Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces.
-   The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"---

[#24]  THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR:
1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.
5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After awhile, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
6) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
8) Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
9) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.
10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.
11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"
13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."
15) Swat at flies that don't exist.
16) Tell people that you can see their aura.
17) Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.
18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, Got enough air in there?"
20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."
26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space!"
27) Just as the doors open face the wall and pretend to be closing your zipper.
28) Ask people "What floor", then hold out your hand for a tip.
29) If there is muzac playing, start to sob. If someone asks what's wrong, tell them, "This will be OUR song."
30) Two words......WHOOPEE CUSHION!!!
31) Start to take your shoes off and ask, "Do any o' you all have one o' dem der toe nail clippy things..."
32) When the doors open stick your head out first, look both ways and say, "Okay... the coast is clear."
33) Pretend to be having a personal conversation on the emergency phone. Hang up, and say..."Some people laugh, but I haven't paid for a long distance call in years..."

[#23]  Why Americans Should Never Be Allowed To Travel
The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:
- I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
- I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.
- A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state."
- I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the map."
- Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
- A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
- A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, “No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

- A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, “Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
- I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have
numbers on them."
- A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi Cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
- A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
- A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent
scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!”

[#22]  FOR THOSE WHO  LOVE THE PHOLOSOPHY OF HYPOCRISY  AND  AMBIGUITY...

A FEW STATEMENTS TO PONDER...GEORGE CARLIN  QUOTES
1.  Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2.  One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3.  Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4.  If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why  do we still have monkeys and apes?
5.  The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6.  I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"  She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7.  Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
8.  If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9.  If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
10.  If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
11.  Is there another word for synonym?
12.  Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
13.  Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
14.  What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
15.  If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
16.  Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
17.  Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
18.  If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
19.  Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
20.  Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
21.  If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
22.  Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
23.  How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
24.  How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
25.  Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
26.  What was the best thing before sliced bread?
27.  One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
28.  To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
29.  Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
30.  The older you get, the better you realize you were.
31.  Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
32.  Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
33.  Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
34.  Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
35.  Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
36.  Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
37.  Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
38.  Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
39.  If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
40.  If God dropped acid, would he see people?
41.  If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
42.  If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why  is it still #2?
43.  If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
44.  If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
45. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
46. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
47. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra
48. How is it possible to have a civil war?
49. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
50. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
51. Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?
52. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during an airplane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?
53. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
54. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
55. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in Lisp?

[#21]  A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."  He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.  Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."  Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?"  He hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I am just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed.  "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"  The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rotweiller Jesus..."

[#20]  Creative Ways to Say Someone is Stupid

About as sharp as a marble.
A few clowns short of a circus.
Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas Tree.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
I wish I had a blueprint for his brain; I'm trying to build an idiot.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
He only has one oar in the water.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all her cornflakes in one box.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off her cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay her brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
The lights are on, but nobody's home.
24 cents short of a quarter.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

[#19]  The answer to the eternal question "Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?":
Michael Jordan makes over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per game. With $40 million in endorsements, he makes $178,100 a day, working or not.  If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.  If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there. If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage. He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends. If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours. If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second. He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but willbe reimbursed 33,390 for that round. Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st. If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you 'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year. He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics He'll make about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon. While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy  Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600. This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents  for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn't it?
However, if Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 250 years, he'll  still have less than Bill Gates has today.  Game over. Nerd wins.

[#18]  Dogs Life

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.  To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff."  T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.  But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff. Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?" The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Comp and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

[#17]  Bill Gates dies and finds himself being sized up by God...

“Well, Bill, I’m really confased on this call. I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormousley helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows ‘95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to in you decide where you wan’ to go.”

Bill replied, “Well, what’s the difference between the two?"

God said, “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see if it will help your decision.”

“Fine, but where should I go first?” Bill asked.

“I’ll leave that up to you.” God replied.

“Okay then,” said Bill, “let's try Hell first.”

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. “This is great,” he told God. “If this is Hell, I really want to see heaven.”

“Fine,” said God, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. “Hmm. I think I’d prefer Hell,” he told God.

“Fine,” replied God, “as you desire.” So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons, with no one to help him out of his dilemma no matter how loud he screamed.

“How’s everything going?” He asked Bill. Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and tormented disappointment. “This is awful. This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago. I can't believe this is

happening. What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water????” “Oh,” God said, “that was Hell 3.1.  This is Hell 95.”

[#16]  If Microsoft Built cars...

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to reinstall the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive - but would only run on 5 percent of the road.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas, and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

What Prompted this:

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar can that got 1000 mi/gal.”

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing tile statement "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

[#15]  The 1997 Darwin Awards

It is once again time to vote for the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who will not he contributing to the gene pool due to their timely deaths.

And the nominees are:

     NOMINEE No.1 [San Jose Mercury News]

An unidentified man using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend’s windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

     NOMINEE No. 2 [Kalamazoo Gazette]

James Burns, 35, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police described as a “farm-type truck.” Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a bighway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burn’s clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns “wrapped in the drive shaft.”

     NOMINEE No.3 [Hickory Daily Record]

Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton. NC, when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

     NOMINEE No. 4 [UPI, Toronto]

Police slid a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was “one of the best and brightest” members of the 200-man association.

     NOMINEE No.. 5 [Bloomburg; News Service]

A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man  who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage and a couple of other things. It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn’t have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.

     NOMINEE No. 6 [The News of the Weird]

Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina’s electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

     NOMINEE NO.7 [“The Indianapolis Star”]

A cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion - Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jav County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, Sheriff’s investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a .54-caliber muzzle loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

     NOMINEE No.8 [AP, St. Louis]

Robert Pueblo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store; paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.

NOMINEE No.9 [Unknown]

To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock - and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

     NOMINEE No.10 [Associated Press, Kincaid, W. VA]

Blasting Cap Explodes in Man’s Mouth at Party. A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday. Jerrv Stromyer, 24, of  Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. “Another man  had it in an aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it," Payne said. “It wouldn't go off and this guy said, “I’ll show you how to set it off."

     AND FINALLY NONINEE No. 11!! [Arkansas Democrat Gazette]

Two local men were seriously injured when their pick-up truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Air after a frog- gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole’s pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded on east-bound toward the White River bridge.  After traveling approximately twenty miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but it will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavkle and was treated and released. “Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his nuts off or we might both be dead” stated Wallis. “I’ve been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened”, said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's  wife, asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the  truck.

     And the winner is...

John Pernicky and, friend, Sal Hawkins, of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the Amphitheater at Gorge, Washington. Having no tickets, but 18 beers among them they sat in the parking lot and after finishing the beer, decided  that it would be easy enough to hop over the nine foot high fence and sneak into the show.

The two friends pulls their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was for John,  100 pounds heavier than Sal, to hop over, and then assist his friend over the fence.  Unfortunately for John, the fence was a 30 foot drop on the other side. Having heaved himself over he found himself crashing through a tree, falling to the ground. His fall was abruptly stopped by a large branch which had been snagged by his shorts.  Dangling from the tree, with one arm broken, John looked down and saw a group of bushes below him. Figuring the bushes would break his fall, John removed his pocket knife and proceed to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree. When finally free John crashed below into, Holly Bushes, The sharp leaves scratched his whole body, and now being without his shorts he was the unwilling victim of a holly branch penetrating his rectal cavity.  To make matters worse, his pocket knife proceeded to fall with him and landed three inches into his left thigh. Seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, Sal decided to throw him a rope and pull him to safety. However, weighing about 100 pounds less, he decided the best course action would be to tie the rope to the pickup truck This is when things went bad. Sal in his drunken state, put the truck into the wrong gear, and proceeded to press the gas and crash through the fence, landing on and killing his friend. Sal was thrown from the truck, suffered massive internal injuries and died at the scene. Police arrived to a pickup truck with its driver thrown 100 feet from the vehicle and, upon moving the truck, a half naked man with numerous scratches, a holly stick up his butt, a knife in his thigh and a pair of shorts dangling from the trees 25 feet in the air.

     The Darwin award is presented every year - last year to a man who thought he would fly around his garden in a garden chair attached to four weather balloons he was eventually spotted by the pilots of a 747, entering the restricted airspace of a local airport.

[#14]  Don't Lie To Your Mother

   John invited his mother over for Thanksgiving dinner.  During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate Julie was.  She had long been suspicious of a  relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

   Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.  Reading his mom's  thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

   About a week later, Julie came to John and said,  "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.  You don't suppose she took it, do you?"  John  said, "Well, I  doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."  So he sat down and  wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you  'did' take a  gravy ladle from my house and I'm not saying you 'did not' take  a gravy ladle.  But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

   Several days later, John received a letter from  his mother which read:  "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact  remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the  gravy ladle by now.  Love, Mom"

   Lesson of the day...  Don't Lie To Your Mother

[#13]  From The Wit of Steven Wright:

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
So what's the speed of dark?
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

[#12]  DEFINITIONS BY GENDER

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male:   The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male:   Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male:   Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
male:   what you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal.  Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male:   Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male:   Anything that can be done while drinking.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens)  n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male:   An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male:   Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male:   A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.

[#11]  RULES THAT GUYS WISHED WOMEN KNEW:

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Get rid of your cat.
6. Sunday = Sports.
7. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
8. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about being stared at.
9. You have too many shoes.
10. Crying is blackmail.
11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
13. Yes, standing up at the toilet is more difficult than doing it from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
14. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.  See a doctor.
16. Don't fake it.  We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
17. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
18. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
20. Let us ogle.  If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
21. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
22. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
23. You have enough clothes.
24. Nothing says "I love you" like sex.

[#10] Womanspeak ....vs.... English

You want = You want
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm hungry = (a) Make me something to eat (b) Stop what you are doing, scrape together your last $5, and go drive across town and get me something to eat. -- I don't care if what you are doing is important.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron.
You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight. = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I'm on my period.
Be romantic, turn out the lights. = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so…inconvenient = I want a new house.
The car is empty = Go fill it up
The trash is full = Take it out
The dog is barking = Go outside in your underwear and see what is wrong
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
I need wedding shoes = The other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead.
Please walk me home = Let's go make out.
It's all right, dear. = You'll pay for this.
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get use to it.
Was that the baby ? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling ! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOSH there's a sale in lingerie, and wouldn't these pink sheets look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook

In response to “What’s Wrong?”
The same old thing. = Nothing.
Nothing. = Everything.
Everything. = My PMS is acting up.
Nothing, really. = It's just that you're such an _______.
I don't want to talk about it. = Go away, I'm still building up steam.
What makes you think there is something wrong? = I'm going to kill you.

[#9]  A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.  He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads:  Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827.  Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.

When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th,  then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.  Just then the graveyard's  caretaker ambles up to the group.  Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for

the music.

"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously. “He's decomposing.”

[#8]  Life in the 1500's

     Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and were still smelling pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the b.o. Baths equaled a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

     Houses had thatched roofs. Thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the pets...dogs, cats and other small animals, mice, rats, bugs lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."

     There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. So, they found if they made beds with big posts and hung a sheet over the top, it addressed that problem. Hence those beautiful big 4 poster beds with canopies.

     The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor". The wealthy had slate floors which would get slippery in the winter when wet. So they spread thresh on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed at the entry way, hence a "thresh hold".

     They cooked in the kitchen in a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They mostly ate vegetables and didn't get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been in there for a month. Hence the rhyme: peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

     Sometimes they could obtain pork and would feel really special when that happened. When company came over, they would bring out some bacon and hang it to show it off. It was a sign of wealth and that a man "could really bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."

     Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food. This happened most often with tomatoes, so they stopped eating tomatoes... for 400 years. Most people didn't have pewter plates, but had trenchers - a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Trencher were never washed and a lot of times worms got into the wood. After eating off wormy trenchers, they would get "trench mouth."

     Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the "upper crust".

     Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake".

     England is old and small and they started running out of places to bury people.  So, they would dig up coffins and would take their bones to a house and re-use the grave. In reopening these coffins, one out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on their wrist and lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night to listen for the bell. Hence on the "graveyard shift" they would know that someone was "saved by the bell" or he was a "dead ringer".

[#7]  Viagra and Hot Chocolate:  Man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital.  "How are you grandpa?” he asks.  “Feeling fine," says the old man.  “What's the food like?"  "Terrific, wonderful menus."  "And the nursing?"  "Just couldn't be better.  These young nurses really take care of you."  "What about sleeping?  Do you sleep OK?"  "No problem at all nine hours solid every night.  At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it.  I go out like a light."

   The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge.  "What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis.  Surely that can't be true?"  "Oh, yes," replies the nurse.  "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet.  It works wonderfully well.  The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

[#6]  With a sense of humor like this, how could you go wrong hiring him!!!

McDonald's Fast Food Job Application:  This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment AND THEY HIRED HIM! (editor's note: I would have hired him too!!)

NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package.  If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: A target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: 50 lbs. of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be, "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when I'm set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

[#5]  UNOFFICIAL STATE MOTTOS

Alabama:                  At Least We're not Mississippi
Alaska:                     1,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
Arizona:                    But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas:                 Litterasy Ain't Everthing
California:                 As Seen on TV
Colorado:                  If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut:             Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Delaware:                 We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
Florida:                     Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia:                   We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii:                     Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho:                       More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois:                      Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana:                    2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa:                        We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas:                   First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky:                 Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana:                We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine:                      We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland:                 A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts:      Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan:                 First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota:              10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi:             Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri:                 Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana:                 Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
Nebraska:               Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada:                   Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire:     Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey:            You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico:           Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York:               You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...
North Carolina:       Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota:         We Really are One of the 50 States!
Ohio:                       We Wish We Were In Michigan
Oklahoma:              Like the Play, only No Singing
Oregon:                  Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania:         Cook With Coal
Rhode Island:         We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina:      Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota:        Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee:           The Educashun State
Texas:                    Si' Hablo Ing'les  (Yes, I speak English)
Utah:                      Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont:                Yep
Virginia:                  Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington:          Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.:  Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia:        One Big Happy Family -- Really!
Wisconsin:             Come Cut Our Cheese
Wyoming:               Where men are men and sheep are nervous.

[#4]  When you re-arrange the letters:
Dormitory = Dirty Room
Evangelist = Evil's Agent
Desperation = A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code = Here Come Dots
Slot Machines = Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity = Is No Amity
Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness = Genuine Class
Semolina = Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one
Contradiction = Accord not in it

And for the grand finale:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA
It can be rearranged (with no letters left over, and using each letter only once) into:
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

[#3]  Winders 98

It has come to my attention that a few copies of the "Texas Edition of Windows 98" may have accidentally been shipped outside of Texas. If you have one of the Texas Editions you may need some help understanding the commands.  The Texas Edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen.  It reads "WINDERS 98" with a background picture of the Alamo superimposed on the Texas flag. It is shipped with a Leann Rimes screen saver.

Other features:

The "Recycle Bin" is labeled "Outhouse".
"My Computer" is called "This Infernal Contraption".
"Dial-up Networking" is called "Good Ol' Boys".
"Control Panel" is known as "The Dashboard".
"Hard Drive" is referred to as "Wheel Drive";
"Floppies" are "Them Little Ol' Plastic Disc Thangs".
Instead of an "Error Message", you get a Winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.
Terminology:
OK = ats aww-right
Cancel = @!#%&*
Reset = aw shoot
Yes = shore
No = Naaaa
Find = hunt-fer it
Go to = over yonder
Back = back yonder
Help = hep me out here
Stop = ternit off
Start = crank it up
Settings = sittins
Programs = stuff that does stuff
Documents = stuff I done

Also note that Winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.  I regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Texas Edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

[#2]  10 words that don't exist, but should:

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the “illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

[#1]  APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME____________________________________

DATE OF BIRTH___________________________

HEIGHT__________  WEIGHT___________  IQ_____________  GPA___________

SOCIAL SECURITY #__________________________________________________

DRIVERS LICENSE #__________________________________________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES_______________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_____________________________________________________

CITY/STATE_______________________________  ZIP_______________________

Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent?____________________________

If NO, please explain___________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married___________________________________

If less than your age, explain____________________________________________

Do you own a van? ________________  A truck with oversize tires? _____________

A waterbed? _______________ A pickup with a mattress in the back? ___________

A condom? ________________ Pornography? _______________________________

Do you have an earring, nose ring, or a belly button ring? ______________________

Do you have a tattoo? ___________________________________________________

(IF YES TO THE PREVIOUS TWO QUESTIONS, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES)

In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you? ______________________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, mean to you? _________________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you? ______________________________________________________________________

Church you attend______________________________________

How often you attend____________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your: father? ___________ mother? __________ priest? __________

Answer by filling in the blank.  Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A:  If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot would be: ______________________________________________________________________

B:  If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my: ______________________________________________________________________

C:  A woman's place is in the:______________________________________________________________________

D:  The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is: ______________________________________________________________________

E:  When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is: ______________________________________________________________________

NOTE: If answer E begins with T or A, discontinue.  Leaving premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.

What do you want to do IF you grow up? ______________________________________________________________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.

________________________________________________

Signature   (that means your name)

Thank you for your interest.  Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved.