VOLUME 2 -- DOWNLOAD | BACK | NEXT

[#50]  An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial city for dinner and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained. "Senor, these are the cojones," the waiter replied. "The what, you say?" exclaimed the tourist. “They are the testicles of a bull killed in the ring today."  explained the waiter. The tourist gulped but tasted the dish anyway and found it delicious. Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. After he finished the meal, the tourist commented to the waiter, "Today's cojones were much smaller than the ones I had yesterday." "True senor," said the waiter."You see the bull, he does not always lose."

[#49]  If you've ever traveled down south, you'll love this one!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two  guys are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks! him in the head with the stick.  The driver says, "Why'd you do that? The trooper says, "You're in Alabama, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready." Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here." The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks! him with the nightstick. The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?" The cop says,"Just making your wishes come true." The passenger says, "Huh?" The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, "I wish that @#$% would've tried that with me.”

[#48]  When blue collar workers get together they often talk about football.
When middle management meet, they talk about tennis.
When top management meet they talk golf.
Conclusion: The higher you climb in the corporate ladder the smaller your balls become.

[#47]  First draft of the speech Clinton gave last night.
"Members of Congress.. people of America...I banged her.  I banged her like a cheap gong.  Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin-flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention.  The only babes in D.C. I HAVEN'T tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy."  "Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary...I do.  If not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President."  "So, let me set the record straight.  I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that entered the Oval Office."  "Got it? Good."  "Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen.  But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part.  Your other choice was Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time resident of some place called "Kennebunkport"! who thought he could bomb his way into the White House.  Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with.  There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in.  Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of `plausible deniability', and almost got a one-way ticket to San Quentin for his crackerjack style of governing.  Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was Agent Orange."  "And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for "beaver-wrestling" shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House.  (and Yes, I know I am no John Kennedy!!  One look at Hillary could tell you that!!)"  "Which brings me back to my point.  Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, Government is doing more for less.  The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one-gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently. Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night watchman.  And the stock market is higher than a D-student on a full spell `internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from."  For the   record, I never told her to lie in the deposition... I told her to "Lie in this position!"  "Bottom line:  I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my pecker showing.  What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter... unless, of course, she's hot, rubenesque with a soft butt, good knees and thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it." "In the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind of life you're living, before you get too interested in where I'm parking the Presidential limousine."

[#46]  Who is Jack Schitt?
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, “You don’t know Jack Schitt!". Now you can handle the situation.  Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt.  Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of Knee Deep in Schitt Inc.  In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, and Bull Schitt.  Against his parent's objections Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married fifteen years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name and so was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.  Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced an idiot son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout child hood, and consequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now you know Jack Schitt.

[#45]  A bus stops and two men get on.  They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation.  One man is Italian with a strong accent.  The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears the Italian man say the following:
"Emma come first.  Den I come.  Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more.  Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice.  Den I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," said the lady  indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in  public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who's talkin' about a sexa? I'mma justa tellun my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

[#44]  A frustrated housewife decided her sex life needed spicing up after 20 years of marriage. After her husband went to work she slipped out and went into a lingerie shop and picked up a pair of crotchless panties. She went home, tarted herself up and donned the new garment and selected a short skirt to go with it. She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him after she prepares him a drink. She slowly spread her legs, and in a sexy, come get me voice say's "Honey, would you like some of this?" The husband looks between his aging wife's legs and lets out his breath, looking up at his doting wife replies, "HELL, NO! Look what its done to your damn underwear.

[#43]  It took the Division of Motor Vehicles 6 months to figure out and revoke this personalized license plate:  3M TA3.  It spells "Eat Me" in someone's rear view mirror.

[#42]  Lord Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those peopleI had to kill today because they pissed me off.
And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the butt that I may have to kiss tomorrow.  Help me to always give 100% at work....12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, and 5% on Fridays.  And help me to remember that when I'm having a really bad day,  And it seems that people are trying to piss me off, That it takes 42 muscles to frown, And only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me.

[#41]  You got mail
A blond went out to her mail box and looked in, closed the door and went back in the house. A few minutes later she went out and looked in the mail box again.  She did this several times and her neighbor that was watching her said, "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into your mail box."  The blond answered "No!, I am working on my computer and it keeps telling me that I have mail."

[#40]  YOU KNOW YOU'RE TRAILER TRASH WHEN...

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this"
You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'
You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are,"Gentlemen, start your engines."
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
You have to go outside to get something out of the  'fridge.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.
You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

[#39]  A THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures...........
Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown.
BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack the idiot upside the head.

[#38]  Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip.  After a good meal, and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.  Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."  "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute." Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.  Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and Insignificant.  Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.  What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke "Watson you idiot.  Some bastard has stolen our tent."

[#37]  The perfect man is gentle Never cruel or mean
He has a beautiful smile And keeps his face so clean.
The perfect man likes children And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father As well as a good husband to his bride.
The perfect man loves cooking Cleaning and vacuuming too
He'll do anything in his power To convey his feelings of love on to you.
The perfect man is sweet Writing poetry from your name
He's a best friend to your mother And kisses away your pain.
He never has made you cry Or hurt you in any way
Oh, forget this stupid poem The perfect man is gay!

[#36]  Just saw a report on CNN, they have finally released the list of ingredients in Viagra.
2% aspirin,
2% ibuprofen,
1% filler and
95% "Fix a Flat"

[#35]  A traveler became lost in the desert region of Algeria. Realizing his only chance for survival was to find civilization, he began walking. Time passed, and he became thirsty. More time passed, and he began feeling faint. Reduced to crawling, he was on the verge of passing out when he spied a tent about 500 meters in front of him. Barely conscious, he reached the tent
and called out, "Water..."
A bedouin appeared in the tent door and replied sympathetically, "I am sorry, sir, but I have no water. However, would you like to buy a tie?"
With this, he brandished a collection of exquisite silken neckwear.
"You fool," gasped the man. "I'm dying! I need water!"
"Well, sir," replied the bedouin, "If you really need water, there is a tent about 2 kilometers south of here where you can get some."
Without knowing how, the man summoned sufficient strength to drag his parched body the distance to the second tent. With
his last ounce of strength he tugged at the door of the tent and collapsed.
Another bedouin, dressed in a costly tuxedo, appeared at the door and enquired, "May I help you sir?"
"Water..." was the feeble reply.
"Oh, sir," replied the bedouin, "I'm sorry, but you can't come in here without a tie!"

[#34]  A Navy Admiral (*which* Navy will go unspecified) was being court-martialed for an incident where he was found to be chasing a young lady through the hallways of the hotel in which they were both staying.  Neither of them were wearing anything. One of the charges was that of "being out of uniform."  The Admiral's lawyer argued that the officer was not out of uniform, as the regulations read: "A Naval officer must be at all  times appropriately attired for the activity in which he is engaged." The Admiral was acquitted.

[#33]  BEST EXCUSES IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING IN YOUR OFFICE
1. It's okay... I'm still billing the client.
2. They told me at the blood bank this night happen.
3. This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to.
4. I was working smarter-not harder.
5. Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper.
6. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!
7. This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!
8. I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance.
9. I'm actually doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan, which I learned at the last seminar you made us attend.
10. This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!
11. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress.
12. Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.
13. The coffee machine is broken.
14. Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up a contact lens without my hands.
15. The mailman flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.

[#32]  Three women escaped from prison. One was a redhead, one a brunette, and one a  blonde. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage.
About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw and the deputy yelled back, "Just three gunnysacks."
The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy kicked the first sack, which had the redhead in it. She went, "Bow-wow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in it.
Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went, "Meow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it.
Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked it again, and finally the blonde said, "Potatoes"

[#31]  During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.  "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.  "Will I be acquitted?"

[#30]  An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed." There is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head  of the chief standing in front of you." So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the life out of the chief. He stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces.  The voice booms out again: "Okay . . . . NOW you're screwed."

[#29]  A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.  He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after tying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bullseyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a small, live turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd.  An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bullseyes and was given another turtle.

Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored three bullseyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight. "That's fantastic", the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?"

The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to the target and inspecting it closely.
"Yes, sir!", he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you  have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware!"
"I don't want any bloody glasses", the drunk replied. "Give me another one of those little crusty meat pies!"

[#28]  A man is feeling very ill, goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to hospital to undergo tests.  The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.

"This is your doctor.  We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty STD called G.A.S.H.  It's a combination of gonareah, AIDS, syphilis, and herpes!"
"My gosh, doctor!  What are you going to do?"
"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."
"Will that cure me?"
"Well no, but it's the only food we can get under the door."

[#27]  Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.  -Robin Williams
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.  -Roseanne
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.  -Billy Crystal
If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says: "I'm cheap!" -Delta Burke
I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not  want it. -Bill Cosby
In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra.  Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?  -Jay Leno
My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.  -Tim Allen
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can.  All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."  -Elayne Boosler
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.  -Phyllis Diller
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?  -Jay Leno
The post office says they're raising the price of stamps by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they're going from semi-automatics to Uzis.  -Conan O'Brien
Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug.  Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.  -Tim Allen
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.  -George Carlin
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor
The problem with the designated driver program, is that it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it.  At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.  -Jeff Foxworthy

[#26]  IDIOTS IN DEPARTMENT STORES :  I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one on the receipt. As luck would have it-they matched.
IDIOTS AT WORK :  Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar.
IDIOTS & GEOGRAPHY :  After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?" Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"
ADVICE FOR IDIOTS :  An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees:” “Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD :  I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing Sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
IDIOTS & COMPUTERS :  My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE :  I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE :  My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
MORE IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE :  I called the nearest Pizza Hut, ordered a pizza, and told the employee I would be coming by to pick it up. I asked if they were on the east or west side of the street. She replied, "It depends. Which direction are you coming from?

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