VOLUME 3 -- DOWNLOAD | BACK | NEXT

[#75]  A woman was complaining to the neighbor that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.
"Take my advice," said the neighbor, "and do what I did.  Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed, I called out,
'Is that you, Jim?'  And that cured him."
"Cured him!" asked the woman, "but how ?"
The neighbor said, "You see, his name is Bill."

[#74]  During the onset of Hurricane Floyd, the whole nation was glued to the television to see which way the giant storm would go.  Here's part of a conversation overheard in the TN room at the local nursing home:
Lilly, the octogenarian with the pretty white hair, spoke to her elder boyfriend, Lee Roy, about the impending storm saying, "hey, you old coot, looks like Carolinas gonna have a mandatory evacuation."
Lee Roy, who didn't watch much TV since his hearing has failed him, barked, "won't be much trouble for her.  All she ever eats is oatmeal and bran muffins!"

[#73]  You know you work for an American company in the late 90's if:
1) Your CV is on a diskette in your pocket.
2) You get really excited about a 3% pay raise.
3) Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.
4) You sit in an office smaller than your bedroom closet.
5) Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than  all the Third World countries' combined annual budgets, and the  Executive Board members are talking to stock holders saying  medical benefits must be cut for common employees in order to  compete with these same third world countries. 
6) It's dark when you drive to and from work.
7) Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.
8) "Communication" is something your group is having problems with.
9) You see a good looking person and you know it is a visitor.
10) Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
11) Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.
12)  Art involves a white board and erasable marker.
13) You're already late on the assignment you were just assigned.
14) You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say  "Oh wow, thanks!"
15)  Dilbert cartoons hang outside every office.
16) Your boss's favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes", "in  your spare time", "when you're freed up", and "I have an opportunity  for you", "here is a challenge." 
17) Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with  computers."
18) Change is the norm.
19) You read this entire list and understood it.

[#72]  *POTUS Interruptus*_: A sexual encounter prematurely ended when the Secret Service man assigned to you hollers that Hillary has returned.  (POTUS = President of the United States.)
*Feastiality*_: Sexual food fetish. (e.g., "Man, did Kim Basinger have a feastiality problem in 9 1/2 weeks, or what?")
*Nophyllactic*_: A form of birth control. Unlike the prophyllactic's barrier method, the nophyllactic utilizes the word "no" to avoid conception.
*Bromo-sexual*_: Individuals who find sex nauseating. See also: "Women I've dated."
*Wargasm*_: Sexual release which immediately follows a marital fight (e.g., "I'm so sick of waking up every morning to find your bowl of Tosittohhhhhhhhhhhhs!")
*Frommage 'a Trois*_: Literally, this means either "grilled cheese sandwich," or "three-cheese omelette" but it has come to connote two same-sex individuals (the bread) and one opposite sex individual  (the cheese).
*Toupalactic*_: A powerful birth control method which is based on the man wearing a wig so comical, sex is simply out of the question.

[#71]  A man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted to be dismissed from  serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked.   On the day of the trial he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial  was about to begin he asked if he could approach the bench.
"Your Honor," he said, " I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said 'He's a crook! He's guilty, guilty, guilty' So your Honor, I could not possibly stay on this jury!"
With a tired annoyance the judge replied, "Get back in the jury box. That man is his lawyer."

[#70]  A little old Jewish lady is flying out of New York City on her way to  Miami Beach.  She looks at the businessman sitting next to her and  asks him, "Excuse me sir, but are you Jewish?"
The man responds politely, "No, ma'am, I'm not Jewish."
After a little while she again queries him, "You're really Jewish,  aren't you?"
Again he responds, "No ma'am, I am not Jewish."
Barely 10 minutes later, the little old lady asks him once more, "Are you sure you're not Jewish?"
To which in exasperation, and in a final effort to shut her up, he replies, "Okay. Yes, ma'am, I am Jewish."
"Funny," she says, looking puzzled, "you don't look Jewish!"

[#69]  A guy came home late one night and his wife said, "You've been out  with those sorry friends of yours again, haven't you?" He said that he had.
"And how much money did you spend?," she asked, accusingly.
"A hundred and forty," he answered.
"A Hundred And Forty!!!" bellowed his wife. "In one night? Do you know how long it would take me to spend that much money?"
"Let's see," said the husband. "You don't drink, right?"
"Right."
"And you don't gamble, right?"
"Right."
"And you've got your own vagina, right?"
"Right."
"Well," the guy said to his wife, "I figure right at a lifetime."

[#68]  This joke reminds me on the Book I'm reading right now. It's called Bag of Bones by Stephen King.  Whoever has read the book will understand why I'm saying that.

Another version of White Trash Barbie -- Introducing White Trash Barbie She's larger and meaner than them other prissy, stuck-up, thank-thur-better'n-you Barbies!  Now every girl can live the fantasy of ignorance and poverty with her special trailer-park friend.  Every White Trash Barbie comes complete with:

-Two packs of Marlboro Lights for Barbie's smoking pleasure!
-A six-pack of cheap beer (It's on sale!) to refresh Barbie during her busy day of bitching and watching TV.
-Stylish, every occasion Spandex pants *, halter top and sandals.(*Hot pants or blue jean cut-offs may be substituted on dolls shipped to Alabama.)
-Miracle-o'-procreation button!  Press button on Barbie's back and she's pregnant...again!
-Action bitch pull string!  Barbie can say 11 phrases including "I tol' jew gd#@!  kids to git the hell outa my yard!", "Git me anuther beer, baybee.", "Whur's my f#!@ cigarettes?", and more.

Also Available:
-Barbie double-wide dream trailer.  Mobile home fun complete with stained carpet, broken steps, and TV set.  Barbie's wormy pet cat Rufus also included.  Disassembles for use with the Tornado Action Playset.(Sold separately)
 -Barbie dream car.  1986 Chevy Chevette in mix-n'- match colors and smokin'chokin'exhaust *.  Coat hanger radio antenna.  Holds two White Trash Barbies or fifteen MexMigrant Barbies ( Sold separately).  (* smoke non-toxic unless breathed.)
-Abusive boyfriend Ken with Asskickn' leg action and PimpSlap backhand.  With cowboy boots and MD 20/20 bottle.  Curses, mumbles when string is pulled
.  African-American version available (except Mississippi)
-Married life Ken with Beer-bustin' expanding waist *.  Molded to recliner.  With TV remote, beer, chips.  Says "Shut up woman." and “Git me a beer." (* Waist cannot be reduced once expanded.)

[#67]  A Priest at a Church picnic was staring at a member of his parish wearing the tiniest of bikinis.
A Nun walked over and said, "Shame on you Father, staring at that woman like that!"
The Priest replied, "Sister Mary Elizabeth, I know you to be on a diet, and yet I saw you ogling the buffet."

[#66]  There was this Chinese businessman visiting a newly acquired business  in the United States. As a gesture of good will, the executives of  his newly acquired business took him to a golf course for a round of  golf. He had never played the game before.  Upon his return to China, his family asked what he had done in the United States. He replied, "Played most interesting game. Hit little white ball with long stick in large cow pasture. Name of game is "Oh Shit."

[#65]   WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

JERRY FALWELL --  Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see  the plain truth in front of your face?  The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it:  the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat  that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.
PAT BUCHANAN -- To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
DR. SEUSS --  Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY -- To die. In the rain.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. -- I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA -- In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
ARISTOTLE -- It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX -- It was an historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSAIN -- This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN -- What chicken?
KEN STARR -- I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the President of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up.  As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law.   For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he cooperates fully with our investigation.  Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed. (We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.)
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK -- To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER -- You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
FREUD -- The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the  road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES -- I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads,  but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook-and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
EINSTEIN -- Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON -- I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken?  Could you define chicken please?
LOUIS FARRAKHAN -- The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed  the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
THE BIBLE -- And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS -- I missed one?

[#64]  There were two guys on a motorcycle driving down the road. The driver was wearing a leather jacket that didn't have a zipper or any buttons.
Finally he stopped the bike and told the other guy,"I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in my chest."
After thinking for a while he decided to put the coat on backwards to block the air from hitting him. So they were driving down the road and they came around this curve and wrecked. The farmer that lived there called the police and told them what happened.
The police asked him, "Are either of them showing any lifesigns?"
The farmer then said, "Well, that first one was, 'til I turned his head around the right way."

[#63]  A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
Better to be safe than..............……....Punch a 5th grader
Strike while the .............…..….….…...Bug is close
It's always darkest before...……........ Daylight Savings Time
Never underestimate the power of......Termites
You can lead a horse to water but…...how?
Don't bite the hand that..…..…........... looks dirty
No news is................….….…….........impossible
A miss is as good as a.........…….…...Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new..........math
If you lie down with dogs, you'll.…......stink in the morning
Love all, trust.…..…..….….….............me
The pen is mightier than the.....….......pigs
An idle mind is….............………….....The best way to relax
Where there's smoke there's..............pollution
Happy the bride who…..…......…........gets all the presents
A penny saved is........…….................not much
Two's company, three's..….................the Musketeers
Don't put off till tomorrow what….........you put on to go to bed
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.......you have to blow your nose
None are so blind as.......….…...........Helen Keller
Children should be seen and not.........spanked or grounded
If at first you don't succeed.....….........get new batteries
You get out of something what you…..see pictured on the box
When the blind leadeth the blind.........get out of the way
Better late than......….….….….……....pregnant

[#62]  A Saint

There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their evil ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and appeared to be perfect Christians.
Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could the new pastor see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church membershhip grew in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.
"I have only one condition," he said. "At the funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check.
The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family."
After going on like this, he finally concluded, "but, compared to his brother, he was a saint."

[#61]  Now that hurts........

A man arrives at the Emergency Room for treatment, and as the Doctor enters the examining room, he asks the patient "What seems to be the problem?".
The man explains that he was out hunting when he felt the need to answers natures call, and having dropped his pants to evacuate his bowels, he attempted to back up against a fallen limb for support. The limb however broke and when he landed on his arse, the man said he fell into a bear's trap which immediately snapped shut upon his testicles.
The Doctor said, "My god man that's terrible!"
Yes, exclaimed the patient. "It was the SECOND WORST PAIN I HAVE EVER FELT!"
Astonished, the doctor replied: "Second Worst!   What on earth could be a more painful event that that?"
The man said: " THE CHAIN RAN OUT."

[#60]  An old man went in to see the doctor and said,
"Doc, I'm turning eighty tomorrow. I've hired a hooker for the night, and I'd love to do it just one  more time before I die. Can you give me something that'll get me up?" The  doctor smiled.
"I don't normally prescribe this stuff, but I think in your  case I can make an exception for one night."
Later that night, out of curiosity, the doctor phoned the elderly man and  asked, "How's it going?" 
"Fabulous," the old man said. "I've come three times already."
"That's great," the doctor said. "the hooker must be astounded."
"Not exactly," the  old man said. "She's not here yet."

[#59]  A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class.  The subject of the day was involuntary muscles.  The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked the woman:
"Do you know what your asshole does when you're having an orgasm?"
"Sure" she said. "He's at home, taking care of the kids."

[#58]  Cat Commandments
Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the modem.
Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.
Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.
Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or monitor as thou are transparent.
Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.
Thou shalt not lie down with thy butt in thy human's face.
Thou shalt not leap from great heights onto thy human's genital region.
Fast as thou are, thou cannot run through closed doors.
Thou shalt not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.
Thou shalt not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as thou wilt fall in and trap thyself.
Thou shalt not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down
Thou shalt not jump onto thy sleeping human's bladder at 4a.m.
Thou shalt realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at any opportunity.
Thou shalt not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slow.
Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house.
Thou shalt remember that thou are a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat.
Thou shalt show remorse when being scolded.
**anybody have a cat that actually OBEYS any of these rules??
(personal addition - I love cats! They taste like chicken!)

[#57]  Aviation 101
* Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.
* Explaining the use of the controls to a student: "If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller.
(Unless you pull the stick too far back, then they get bigger again very quickly)"
* Flying isn't dangerous; crashing is dangerous!
* The propeller is just a big fan to keep the pilot cool. The proof? Make it stop, and watch the pilot break out in a sweat.
* Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one ever collided with the sky. The trick to flying is to throw yourself at the ground, and miss!
* It's generally a good idea to keep the pointy end going forwards as much as possible.
* The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
* Every one knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one you can walk away from. But a 'great' landing is one where you can use the airplane again afterwards.
* The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.
* Helicopters don't really fly - they're so ugly that the earth repels them.
* There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
* A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle.
* Gravity never loses -- the best you can hope for is a draw!

[#56]  Helpful Hints
* If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx.
* If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot  be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button.
* If you want your refrigerator's ice maker to work, you need to hook  it to a water source. Air doesn't make good ice unless it is mixed with water.
* No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier.
* A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet.
* It's okay to use the Polaroid Land Camera on a boat.
* When the PC says, "Insert diskette #2," don't do it immediately.  Remove disk #1 first, even if you're sure you can make them both fit in there.
* When your PC says, "You have mail,"  don't go to the company mail room and look for a package.
* The French version of Netscape Navigator doesn't translate English language web pages into French.
* If you're in the armed services, and it's April 1st, and you get an email message to call Colonel Sanders for new orders, don't.
* If you go to the computer store to buy a mousepad, you don't have to specify whether it's for a Windows or a Macintosh.

[#55] Restroom Use Policy

In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines.  Effective immediately, a Restroom Trip Policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of all employees.

     Under the policy a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given twenty Restroom Trip Credits. These credits may be accumulated.

     Within four to six weeks, the entrance doors to all restrooms are being equipped with personal identification stations and computer- linked voice print recognition devices. Before the end of the month each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) to the Human Resources Department. The voice print recognition station will be operational but not restrictive during the entire month. Employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during that period.

     If the employee's Restroom Trip Bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the restrooms will not unlock for that employee's voice until the first of the next month. In addition, all restroom stalls are being equipped with timed paper roll retractors. If the stall is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty-seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract into the wall, the toilet will flush, and the stall door will open. If the stall remains occupied, your picture will be taken.

     The picture will then be posted on the bulletin board located in the Employee Relations Office. Anyone's picture showing up three times will immediately be terminated. If you have any questions about this policy, please ask your supervisor. They have all received advanced instructions.

[#54]  You Know You're Having a Bad Day When...
* You call your spouse and tell them that you'd like to eat out tonight and when you get home, you find a sandwich on the front porch.
* Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists.
* You invite the peeping Tom in...and he says no.
* Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
* The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.
* Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
* Your income tax refund check bounces.
* It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.
* The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
* Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.
* You put both contacts into the same eye.
* Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.
* Nothing you own is actually paid for.
* The health inspector condemns your office coffee maker.
* People think that you're 40 and you're only 25.
* When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age.
* You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night... and there aren't any.

[#53]  The New Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.  After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.  The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a  glass of vodka next to the water glass.  If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."  So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.  He proceeded to talk up a storm.  Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are ten commandments, not twelve.
3. There were twelve disciples, not ten.
4. The communion wafer is consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his arse.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not generally referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the schitt out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his arse.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper He said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[#52]  Father & Son are over heard at drug store last week.  Standing near the check out stand, a teenager spotted a display of condom:
"Hey Dad, what's a three pack for?"  remarks the teenager.
"Those are for the weekend.  Two for Friday night, and one for Saturday" remarked the father.
"Then Dad, what's a six pack for?"
"That's when she moves in to your pad.  Two for Friday night, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday".
"Then Dad, what's a twelve pack for?"
"That's for when your married.  One for January, one for February, one for......."

[#51]  Don't Make a Nurse Angry

A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.  He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.  None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head  nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end.  After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"  She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an  hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation anyway."

VOLUME 3 -- DOWNLOAD | BACK | NEXT