VOLUME 4 -- DOWNLOAD | BACK | NEXT

[#100]  Fruitcake recipie
1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
1 cup brown sugarlemon juice
nuts
1 bottle of your favorite whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.  Take a large bowl.  Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.  Turn on electric mixer.  Beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.  Add 1 tsp. sugar and beat again.  Make sure the whiskey is still ok. Turn off mixer.  Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in a cup of dried fruit.  Mix on the turner.  If the friet druit gets stuck in the beaters, pry it loose with a drewscriver.  Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.  Sift two cups of salt.  Or something.  Who cares.  Check the whiskey again.  Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.  Add one Tsp. of sugar or something.  Whatever you can find.  Grease the oven.  Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.  Don't forget to beat off the turner.  Throw the bowl out of the window.  Check the whiskey again.  Go to bed!

Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway???

[#99]  In the back woods of Kentucky, the redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.  Since there was no electricity,  the doctor handed the father-to be a lantern and said,  "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."  Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.  "Whoa there," said the doctor, "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.  "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern...It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.  The Redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?

[#98]  THE MILITARY WIFE

The good Lord was creating a model for military wives and was into his sixth day of overtime when an angel appeared. She said, "Lord, you seem to be having a lot of trouble with this one. What's the matter with the standard model?"

The Lord replied, "Have you seen the specs on this order? She has to be completely independent, possess the qualities of both father and mother, be a  perfect hostess to four or forty with an hour's notice, run on black coffee,  handle every emergency imaginable without a manual, be able to carry on cheerfully, even is she's pregnant and has the flu, and she must be willing to move 10 times in 17 years, And oh, yes, she must have six pairs of hands."

The angel shook her head. "Six pairs of hands? No way."

The Lord continued, "Don't worry, we will make other military wife's to help her. And we will give her an unusually strong heart so it can swell with pride in her husband's achievements, sustain the pain of  separations beat soundly when it's overworked and tired, and be large enough to say, 'I understand' , when she doesn't and say 'I love you; regardless.' "

The angel circled the model of the military wife, looked at it closely and sighed, "It looks fine, but it's too soft."
"She might look soft," replied the Lord. "But she has the strength of a lion, you would not believe what she can endure."

Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek of the Lord's creation. "There's a leak, she announced. Something is wrong with the  construction. I am not surprised that it has cracked, you are trying to put too much into this model."

The Lord appeared offended at the angel's lack of confidence.

"What you see is not a leak, Its a tear." The Lord replied, “Its for joy, sadness, pain, disappointment, loneliness, pride, and a dedication to all the values that she and her husband hold dear."

"You are a genius!" exclaimed the angel.   The Lord looked puzzled and replied, "I didn't put it there."

[#97]  Quiet In Church

A Sunday school teacher was instructing her class. Just before she dismissed them to go to church she asked them, "Why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"  Little Johnny was quick to blurt out what he was certain was the correct answer, "Because people are sleeping!"

[#96]  Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford, and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention...the assembly line for the automobile...changed the world.

As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want."
Ford thinks about it, and says, - "I want to hang out with God Himself."
So, the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and  introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, - "When you invented Woman, what were You thinking?"
God asks, "What do you mean?"
"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much front end protrusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly needs repainting, and refinishing.
5. It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 of every 28 days.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. Fuel consumption is outrageous.
Just to name a few."

"Hmmm...," replies God, "Hold on a minute." God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes,  and waits for the results. In no time the computer prints out a report, and God reads it.

God then turns to Ford, and says, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours.

[#95]  ALWAYS BE OBSERVANT
A medical professor was teaching medicine to a class on 'Observation.'
He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid.  "This," he explained, is urine.
To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste."
After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth.

His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust.  But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head.  "If any of  you had been “observant” you would have noticed that I put my index finger into the jar and my middle finger into my mouth.  Have a good lunch."

[#94]  RECIPE FOR A MILITARY WIFE
1 1/2 cups patience
2 tbs elbow grease
1 lb courage
1 cup tolerance
dash of adventure
Marinate Frequently with salty tears and pour off excess fat.
Sprinkle ever so lightly with money, kneading dough well untill payday.
Season with international spices. Bake for 20 years or until done.
Serve with pride!

[#93]  Subject: Signs You Might Be Experiencing Menopause
Dryness: You ask Jiffy Lube to put you up on a hoist.
Fatigue: You find Guacamole in your hair after a Mexican dinner.
Female Hormone Deficiency: You take a sudden interest in "Wrestlemania."
Hormone Therapy: You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales.
Hot Flashes: You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
Irritability: Your husband chirps, "Hi honey, I'm home," and your reply is,  "Well, if it isn't Ozzie f**king Nelson."
Memory Loss: You write post-it notes with your kid's names on them.
Mild Incontinence: You change your underwear after every sneeze.
Mood Swings: Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
Night Sweats: The person you sleep with complains about snow piling up on the bed.
Sleeplessness: The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult  gives you four hours of decent rest.
Sudden Weight Gain: You need the 'Jaws Of Life' to help you out of your car after returning home from an Italian restaurant.

[#92]  Training Courses Now Available for Men
1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum?:  You CAN Tell  the Difference!
6. If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I
7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II
8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
9.  Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In
11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About  to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old  Levis to  the Goodwill
15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts
16. No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the Limitations of  Your Kitchenware
17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and  Ten" Means
19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut
20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category
21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why  Women Laugh
23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet
24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed
25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It

[#91]  Melting Touch

Once upon a time there lived a king who had a beautiful daughter Everything the girl touched, would melt.  No matter what - metal, wood,plastic, stone etc. Everything she touched would melt!!

Because of this, men were afraid of her and nobody would dare to marry her.

One day a wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that would not melt in her hands, her symptom will be cured."

The king was overjoyed by the thought and the next day he announced a competition - any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt, would get to marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

Three young princes took up the challenge.  The first prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that since the diamond is the hardest jewel it would not melt.  But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted!

The second prince brought a very hard alloy, but the same thing happened.....so he too went away.

The third prince said to the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel it."  The princess did as she was told, though turning red.  Ta da........it did not melt!!

The king was thrilled and the third prince lived happily ever after with the princess............

What was the object?  M & M Chocolates.......... they melt in your mouth not in your hand (what were you thinking it was? you need to take your mind out of the gutter? shame on you)

[#90]  Math Knowledge

Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One mathematician claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that it was surprisingly high.

"I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a simple math question. If she gets it right, I'll pick up dinner. If not, you do".  He then excused himself to visit the men's room, and the other called the waitress over.

"When my friend comes back," he told her, "I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to respond `one third x cubed.' There's twenty bucks in it for you." She agreed.

The cynic returned from the bathroom and called the waitress over. "The food was wonderful, thank you," the mathematician started. "Incidentally, do you know what the integral of x squared is?"

The waitress looked pensive; almost pained. She looked around the room, at her feet, made gurgling noises, and finally said, "Um, one third x cubed?"

So the cynic paid the check. The waitress wheeled around, walked a few paces away, looked back at the two men, and muttered under her breath, "...plus a constant."

[#89]  WHY ARE YOU CRYING

One day in heaven, the Lord decided he would visit the earth and take a stroll.  Walking down the road, the

Lord encountered a man who was crying. The Lord asked the man, "Why are you crying, my son?"  The man said that he was blind and had never seen a sunset.  The Lord touched the man...he could see,

and he was happy.

As the Lord walked further, he met another man crying and asked, "Why are you crying, my son?"  The man was born a cripple and was never able to walk.  The Lord touched him, he was able to walk, and he was happy.

Farther down the road, the Lord met another man who was crying and asked,  "Why are you crying, my son?"  The man said, "Lord, I work for the Government," The Lord sat down and cried with him.

[#88]  Dead Rabbit

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She  stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.

Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 metres away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 metres, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 metres.

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: " 'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."

[#87]  Big Golf Shots

A golfer hit his drive on the first hole 300 yards right down the middle.  When it came down, however, it hit a sprinkler and the ball went sideways into the woods.  He was angry, but he went into the woods and hit a very hard 2 iron which hit a tree and bounced back straight at him. It hit him in the temple and killed him.
He was at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter looked at the big book and said, "I see you were a golfer, is that correct?" 
"Yes, I am," he replied.
St Peter then said, "Do you hit the ball a long way?"  The golfer replied, "I sure do, got here in 2, didn't I?"

[#86]  YOU MIGHT BE AN ENGINEER IF…

... choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or upgrading your RAM is a moral dilemma.
... you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.
... the sales people at the local computer store can't answer any of your questions.
... you bought your wife a new CD-ROM drive for her birthday.
... you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
... you can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting.
... you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
... you have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.
... you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
... you know what http:// stands for.
... you look forward to Christmas so you can put the kids' toys together.
... you see a good design and still have to change it.
... you window shop at Radio Shack.
... your laptop computer costs more than your car.
... your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
... you've already calculated how much you make per second.
... you've tried to repair a $5 radio.

[#85]  A Senior Moment

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection.   The stoplight was red but they just went on through.  The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."  After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right through.   This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.   She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.   At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said,  "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"   Mildred turned to her and said "Oh, am I driving?

[#84]  This man is going down the road, and he gets pulled over by a highway patrolman.  When he gets up to the car, he tells him that he was speeding.  The man is shocked, but not startled by being pulled over because he is always speeding.  While the highway patrolman is standing there, he sees that the man has 9 huge knives in the back seat.  He asks him what they are for, and he tells him that they are for his act, and he is a juggler.

The patrolman does not believe him, and tells him to prove it. So he gets out of the car, and starts to juggle the knives.  At the same time, 2 men are driving by and witness the two on the side of  the road.  One of the men looks to the other man and says, "Man, I sure am glad I quit drinking, those sobriety tests these days are tough!"

[#83]  THE STROKE OF TWELVE
Just after this guy gets married, he was invited out for a night with "the boys."  He accepts and then tells his new bride not to worry, because he'd "be home by midnight...promise!"

Well, the darts were landing just right and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 a.m. drunk as can be the guy finally stumbles home.  Just as he gets in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed three times.  Quickly he realized she'd probably been woken up by the clock, so he cuckooed another nine times to make her think it was midnight.  He was really proud of himself, having the quick wits, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

Next morning the missus asked him what time he got in and he tells her, "12 o'clock, dear!"  Whew! Got away with that one!
"Hmmm, I think we need a new cuckoo clock," she says over her morning coffee.
"Why is that?" the husband asks.

"Well, it cuckooed three times, said 'shoot,' cuckooed another four times, farted, cuckooed another three times, cleared its throat; cuckooed two more times, and then giggled."

[#82]  Bob's sister was one of the most popular girls in Manhattan. She had more boyfriends then she knew what to do with and she never wanted for a thing.  Bob was always in debt and constantly asking his sister for spending money.   "I don't understand you, Bob," she said in obvious annoyance one afternoon when he tried to put the bite on her for a 10 spot. "I don't have any trouble saving money, so why should you?"

"Sure, sure," he said, " But you've got money coming in all the time from the very thing that's keeping me broke."

[#81]  The three Amish boys who trashed a neighbor's barn have been released from prison early for fear they were getting used to electricity and indoor plumbing. And just in time too. Their new prison names were "Brother Available," "Brother Love" and "Brother Easy."

[#80]  The middle-aged married couple finally moved into the condo of their dreams, but right next door to a very sexy fashion model. The husband had taken to borrowing this or that from their neighbor and it seemed to the wife that it always took him way too long to return.

One time the wife had had enough and actually pounded on the wall between the two apartments. There being no response she telephoned, only to get the answering machine. Finally she went to the model's door and just kept ringing the bell.

When the model answered, the wife fumed, "I would like to know why it is my husband takes so damn long to get something over here."

"Well sweetie," the model purred, "all these interruptions sure ain't helping none either."

[#79] 4 shorties:

Blame Game - DURING AN INTERVIEW AT HIS M.G.M. GRAND TRAINING CAMP, MIKE TYSON REFERRED TO THE MEDIA "DYSFUNCTIONAL ALCOHOLIC REPORTERS"
<>  Eleven syllables in only three words.  Way to go, Big Guy!

Daly's Bread - CALLAWAY GOLF HAS DROPPED JOHN DALY AS AN OFFICIAL ENDORSER BECAUSE HE DRINKS TO EXCESS AND GAMBLES
<>  So afraid are they that someone will confuse their hallowed sport with baseball or football.

Dud Decision - KEN STARR NOW CONCEDES THAT HE WAS THE WRONG GUY TO INVESTIGATE THE MONICA LEWINSKY AFFAIR WHICH "NEEDED A NEW, FRESH FACE"
<>  Like maybe Dr. Ruth's?

Here She Comes - THE MISS AMERICA PAGEANT CAME OFF WITHOUT A HITCH DESPITE THE CONTROVERSY OVER ALLOWING DIVORCEES TO COMPETE
<>  There's no reason a divorce should disqualify a contestant -- unless, of course, she divorced Burt Parks.

[#78]  A regular Friday night poker game was still going strong well after midnight when one of the players returned from the bathroom with an urgent report.
"Myrddin, listen," he told the host, "Thorn's in the kitchen making love to your wife." 
"O.K.  that's it, guys," Myrddin said.  "This is positively the last deal."

[#77]  A little old lady had two monkeys for years. One day one of them died of natural causes. In grief, the second monkey passed away two days later. Not knowing what to do with them, she finally decided to take them to the taxidermist and have them stuffed.
After telling the owner of her wishes, he asked her, "Do you want them mounted?"

Blushing, she said, "No. Shaking hands will be fine."

[#76]  Two women who were always trying to get the other's goat were meeting for lunch together one afternoon. The one lady noticed the other was walking  stiffly and asked what the problem was. She replied, "Oh nothing. It's just  that if my husband were any bigger I couldn't take it."

The second replied, "I know ! I know !!!"

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