VOLUME 5 -- DOWNLOAD | BACK | NEXT

[#125]  Top Ten Things Men Understand About Women

1.
2.
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4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

[#124]
Q: What do men keep in their pants, that is six inches long, and women love it so much they often blow it?
A: A twenty dollar bill.

Q: What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?
A: Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears, but every once in a while, you luck out and get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

[#123]  A BLOND AND A REDHEAD ARE IN AN ELEVATOR. A SMALL MAN WALKS IN WITH DANDRIFF. WHEN THE SMALL MAN LEFT THE ELEVATOR THE REDHEAD SAID TO THE BLOND, "HE NEEDS HEAD AND SHOLDERS." THE BLOND SAID, "HOW DO YOU GIVE SHOLDERS?'

[#122]  25 SIGNS THAT YOU'VE GROWN UP:
1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those d*mn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms > >and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.

[#121]  Cats are Computers

SPECIFICATIONS of Your PC (Personal Cat)
--------------
Standard input:
1) bilateral frontal whisker array
2) bilateral adjustable audio dishes (range 20-20,000Hz),
3) stereoscopic scanning device, with night vision
4) Velcro(tm) flavor sampling device/energy collector
5) twin front-mounted odor sampling devices.

Standard output:
1) internally mounted purrbox
2) single speaker with separate growl mode
3) rear-mounted, fully-jointed semaphore device.

Processor:
1) parallel neuron array with Random Access Memory
2) autonomic control of system software.

Included Hardware:
1) calcium-based skeletal structure
2) byte-to-bit conversion array
3) retractable document shredder/hole punch
4) pawpad printer
5) mouse (standard catnip).

Also included:
natural fiber protective covering in various colors

SYSTEM SOFTWARE
---------------
Your PC (Personal Cat) will come preloaded with one of the following:

DOS (domestic shorthair)
OS (other shorthair)
MS (megasoft, installed in units with fuzzy covering)

Conversion to Eunuchs can be done by a simple operation. This is recommended to prevent the proliferation of cheap PC clones.

Bundled Software may include the following:
Mortal Kombat,
Acrobat,
Explorer,
and Stuffit Expander.

Your PC will automatically convert from laptop to desktop as needed.

There are no user-serviceable parts inside.

OPERATING YOUR PC
-----------------
To start up your PC, push the power button (on any electric can opener).

Your PC has an energy-saving mode known as Sleep.
Your PC will Sleep automatically if unused for a short period of time, or you may invoke the Sleep mode by placing your PC in a soft, warm area. To wake your PC from Sleep you may press the power button as in Start, shake the mouse, or tap any of the PC's input devices (see specs).

To perform a Warm Boot: Remove your shoe, then tap the PC gently with your toes.

To perform a Cold Boot: Same technique as for Warm Boot, but leave your shoe on.

To Reboot: Repeat the Warm Boot.

Cleaning your PC: Use only mild soap and water, no solvents. Surface wash only. Total immersion is not recommended. If partial immersion is necessary, wear proper hand and face protection and make sure your PC is fully dry when finished.

Compatability and Networking: Your PC is designed to independently assess compatibility with other PCs.

Running Eunuchs will generally give your PC greater compatibility with other PCs. It may be necessary to install a firewall between incompatible PCs as each may attempt to breach the other's security systems.

Compatible PCs may share thermal energy and cleaning tasks and may network for gaming purposes.

Please note that your PC will be incompatible with units of type BIRD and FISH, unless appropriate security measures (such as a firewall) are installed. Your PC may tolerate one or more DOG units provided they occupy a subordinate position within the hierarchial structure.

Power Requirements: Alternating supply of canned cat food and dry cat food.
Direct supply of water. Direct access to solar and thermal energy sources.

TROUBLESHOOTING
---------------

PC has difficulty exiting ... perform a Warm Boot.

PC shares files from dinner/table/plates without permission: Boot your PC prior to running food-related software.

PC Hangs Up Phone During Connection to ISP: Try invoking sleep mode prior to connecting to ISP. Otherwise, perform a Warm Boot.

PC Is Frozen: PC is probably scanning for small life forms. Reboot until it responds.

[#120]  GOD AND THE OLD MAN'S PEE

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came
back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks
great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at
peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"

George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight,
so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go
to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the
light goes off when I'm done."

"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he
said,"George is just fine. Physically he's great. But, I had to call
because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up
during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then
(poof!) the light goes off?"

Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

[#119]  The Flight

A photographer from a well-known national magazine was
assigned to cover the recent fires. The magazine
wanted to show some of the heroic work of the
firefighters as they battled the blaze.
When the photographer arrived, he realized that the
smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or
make it impossible for him to photograph anything from
ground level. He requested permission to rent a
plane and take photos from the air. His request was
approved, and arrangements were made. He was told to
report to a nearby airport, where a single engine
plane would be waiting for him.

He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up
near the gate.He jumped in with his bag and shouted,
"Let's go!"
The pilot swung the plane into the wind, and within
minutes they were in the air.

The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two
or three low passes so I can take some pictures."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I am a photographer for a national magazine,"
he responded, "and I need some close-up shots."

The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he
stammered, "So, you're telling me you're not the
flight instructor?"

[#118]  She was sooooooooooo Blond that....

* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."
* She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

[#117]  Why Motorcycles Are Better Than Women

* Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2000 miles.
* Motorcycles' curves never sag.
* Motorcycles last longer.
* Motorcycles don't get pregnant.
* You can ride a Motorcycles any time of the month.
* Motorcycles don't have parents.
* Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
* You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up.
* You can share your Motorcycle with your friends.
* If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
* You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the old one is really worn.
* If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.
* Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden.
* When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time.
* Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have.
* Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines.
* New Motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don't want to pay for them, you don't get them.
* If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.
* If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
* If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.
* If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.
* You can have a beer while riding your Motorcycle. (don't drink and drive)
* You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle.
* You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Motorcycle.
* You don't have to convince your Motorcycle that you're a motorcyclist and that you think that Motorcycles are equals.
* If you say bad things to your Motorcycles, you don't have to apologize before you can ride it again.
* You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.
* Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it.
* Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.
* Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider.
* Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles.
* Motorcycles don't care if you are late.
* You don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.
* It's always ok to use tie downs on your Motorcycle.
* If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
* You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't know very well.

[#116]  A couple from Michigan decided to go to Florida to thaw out during one particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Detroit and flew to Miami on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail. Meanwhile.....somewhere in Alabama, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the > first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife: I've Arrived! > > Date: 16 November 2003 > > I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just got all checked in and I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. > > P.S. Sure is hot down here!

[#115]  The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early
retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus
of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in
his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his
head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with
a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured
from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with
$96,000.

The third one was a non officer grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he
would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my penis to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,
explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the
old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the
measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he
did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's
penis and began to work back.

My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Chief calmly replied . "Vietnam...."

[#114] To all friends, I want to thank to you for sending me all those chain
letters in 2003: I just wanted you to know.....
* I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it's good for
removing toilet stains.
* I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected
with AIDS.
* I smell like a dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause
cancer.
* I don't leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and
sometimes I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone will
drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.
* I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they ask me to dial a
stupid number and then I get a phone bill from h*ll with calls to
Uganda, Singapore and Tokyo.
* I stopped consuming several foods for fear that the estrogens they
contain may turn me gay.
* I also stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because they are nothing
other than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred
in a lab so that places like McDonalds can sell their Big Macs.
* I also stopped drinking anything with Aspertame in it for fear that I
will get sick and shrivel up from the formaldhide and die.
* I don't look at any guy or girl no matter how hot they are, for fear
that they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub
full of ice.
* I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl
that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times. Funny that
girl, she's been 7 years old since 1993...
* I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I made expecting the $15,000
that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in
their special e-mail program.
* My Ericcson phone never arrived and neither did the passes for a paid
vacation to Disneyland.
* But I am positive that all this is the cause of a stinking chain
letter that I broke or forgot to follow and I got a curse from h*ll.
IMPORTANT NOTE: If you send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the
next 10 seconds, a bird will leave something on your shoulder today at
7pm.

[#113]  Women, as explained by Engineers:

[#112]  A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him, "very quick."

The lawyer said that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: Have you any grounds?
POLE: JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms.

LAWYER No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
POLE: It is made of concrete, brick and mortar.

LAWYER: Does either of you have a real grudge?
POLE: No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.

LAWYER: I mean, what are your relations like?
POLE: All my relations are in Poland.

LAWYER: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
POLE: Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set &DVD player with 6.1 sound. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.

LAWYER: No, I mean does your wife beat you up?
POLE: NO, I'm always up before her.

LAWYER: Is your wife a nagger?
POLE: No, she white.

LAWYER: WHY do you want this divorce?
POLE: She going to kill me.

LAWYER: What makes you think that?
POLE: I got proof.

LAWYER: What kind of proof?
POLE: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read -- it says, "Polish Remover."

[#111]  Arkansas State Residency Application

ARKANSAS STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION
Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob (last) (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack (_) Billy-Jefferson (Check appropriate box)
Age: ____ Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation: (_)Farmer (_)Mechanic (_)Hair Dresser (_)Unemployed
Spouse's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse: (_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Aunt (_) Uncle (_) Cousin (_) Mother (_) Father (_) Son (_) Daughter (_) Pet
Number of children living in household: ___ Number that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________ Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ kitchen ____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: ___________194_
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_)The National Enquirer (_)The Globe (_)TV Guide (_)Soap Opera Digest
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe: (_)Weekly (_)Monthly (_)Not Applicable Color of teeth: (_)Yellow (_)Brownish-Yellow (_)Brown (_)Black (_)N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road? (_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)don't know

[#110]  More redneck jokes:

What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.

What do you call 32 Rednecks in one room?
A: A full set of teeth.

40 Things Never Said By Southerners

40. Oh I just couldn't. h*ll, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.

Q: What do you call a bunch of tractors parked in front of a McDonalds on Friday night in Iowa?
A: Prom.

A new law recently passed in Arkansas.
When a couple is divorced, they can still legally be brother and sister.

[#109] More blonde jokes:

Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left."
So they went home
--------------------------------------------------
''Have you heard my knock-knock joke?'' asked the blonde.
''No,'' said the brunette.

''Okay,'' said the blonde, ''you start.''
--------------------------------------------------
Why did the blonde take a ladder into the bar?
She heard the drinks were on the house.
--------------------------------------------------
How do you keep a blonde busy? (see below)
How do you keep a blonde busy? (see above)
--------------------------------------------------
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "d*mn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
-----------------------------------------------------
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''
-----------------------------------------------------
What do you call a blonde who has dyed her hair brown?
Artificial intelligence.
-----------------------------------------------------
How did the blonde die raking leaves?
She fell out of the tree!

[#108] Computers & Beer

DOS Beer:  Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

Mac Beer:  At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan and buy the newest version of Mac Beer which is usually available about 10 months after you bought this one.

Windows 3.1 Beer:  Comes in a 16-oz. can and requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

OS/2 Beer:  Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.

Windows 95 Beer:  The can looks amazing like Mac Beer's can, but still tastes kind of like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. The newest versions still come in 32 oz. cons but with nearly 24 oz. of beer in them. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew. Cans have a tendency to explode regularly, but don't really make much of a mess, just a pain to replace damaged beer on almost a weekly basis.

Windows 98 Beer:  Looks and tastes exactly like Windows 95 Beer, but with fancier pull tabs. Comes in 32 oz cans, but still only about 16 to 24 ozs of beer, depending on where you drink it.

Windows NT Beer:  Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 95 Beer's. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

Windows 2000/NT 5 Beer:  Comes in 32 oz cans that are supposed be like a supercharged lite beer. According to manufacturer it's combines the greatest taste ever with almost no calories. Only one problem, the cans explode without warning and take out half the refrigerator with them.

Unix Beer:  Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.

[#107]  Kitchen thoughts

1. Kitchen closed - - this chick has had it!
2. Martha Stewart Doesn't live here!!
3. I'm creative, You can't expect me to be neat too!
4. So this isn't Home Sweet Home... Adjust!
5. Ring Bell for Maid Service...If no answer do it yourself!
6. I clean house every other day....Today is the other day!
7. If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
8. I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!
9. My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
10. A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
11. Home Cooking- - -Like Mother used to do before cigarettes and soap operas
12. I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
13. If you don't like my standards of cooking...lower your standards.
14. Apology...Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse. It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse.
15. Emergency Numbers:
Pizza - - - - - - 503-873-9852
Chinese - - - - 503-873-7768
Deli - - - -- - - - -503-873-0274
Grandma - - - - 503-873-4761
21. Dull women have immaculate houses.
22. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
23. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap
24. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
25. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
26. My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.

[#106]  What A Woman Wants In A Man As Time Goes On

What I Want in a Man, Original List (age 22):
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32):
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42):
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady-splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52):
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers my name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62):
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72):
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

[#106]  The Lotus Totus from the Anthony Robbins organization

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it.
FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.
SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives
TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson
SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.
EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.

[#105]  THE WHYS OF MAN

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
Because they are plugged into a genius

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?
They don't have enough time

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
They don't stop to ask directions

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
Because their balls fall over their butts and they vapor lock (You're laughing, aren't you??)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
You need a rough draft before you make a final copy

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
Don't know...... it never happened

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn

[#105]  A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.

[#104]  Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father....
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...."

[#103]  Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door..

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim, but where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me.."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

[#102]  An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving all over the road.  A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk, "for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

[#101]  Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

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