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[#174] Lezbonics

Q. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?
A. A licker cabinet.

Q. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A. A Klondyke.

Q. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
A. Militia Etheridge.

Q. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
A. Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

Q. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
A. Fur Traders.

Q. What is a lesbian dinosaur called ?
A. A Lickalotapuss.

Q. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
A. Well Hung.

Q. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned?
A. She was found face down in Ricki Lake.

Q. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
A. Even the pool table doesn't have balls.

Q. What do you call lesbian twins?
A. Lick-a-likes.

Q. What's the definition of confusion?
A. Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

Q. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
A. One's a snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker

[#173] A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lb. due to very serious health risks.

As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.

"Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old young lady dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!"

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and is too tired to have his way with her.

After they are rested and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens.

The fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb, as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me,! you can have me." He's out the door after her like a shot.

This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a very long while to catch her, but when he does, he is cramping and wheezing. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lb as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years.

"The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine!"

[#172]

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non officer grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my weenie to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received.

But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.

My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Chief calmly replied . .  "Vietnam".

[#171]

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces. These Illinois, Missouri, North Carolina, Kentucky, West Virginia, Mississippi, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Texas, Oklahoma, and Tennessee boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
    We anticipate the situation in Iraq to be over by Friday.

[#170]

A man walked into the Lingerie Department of Macy's in New York City. He tells the saleslady, "I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B."
With a quizzical look, the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"
He repeated "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what she wanted."
"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."
Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked "So, what are the differences?"
The saleslady responded. "It is all really quite simple.
The Catholic bra supports the masses.
The Salvation Army bra lifts up the fallen,
and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."
He mused on that information for a minute and said:
"Hmmm. I know I'll regret asking, but what does the Jewish bra do?"
"A Jewish bra," she replied, "makes mountains out of molehills."

[#169]

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." -- Babe Ruth
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. -- Ernest Hemingway
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. -- Paul Hornung
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not. -- H.L. Mencken
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven! -- George Bernard Shaw
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. -- Benjamin Franklin
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. -- Dave Barry
Beer: helping ugly people have sex since 3000 b.c. -- W.C. Fields
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser. -- Professor Irwin Corey
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a "support group." Salvation in a can! -- Leo Durocher
And the number one reason I drink beer...
One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy, Norm.
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

[#168]

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.
Well, said the clerk, I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!
Blow jobs! the woman replied. It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them just this month, he said.
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true... No more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog.
When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.
In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and cr ashing sounds.
She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks. What are you two doing at this hour? she asked.
The husband replied, If I can teach this frog to cook...Your Ass Is history!

[#167]

Navy pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The Navy pilot explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...."
"The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The Navy pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, "damn thing's an hour fast."

[#166]

As he was leaving a river well known for its fishing, a Tennessean fisherman with a big catch was stopped by a game warden.
The game warden asked him, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Naw, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Yep. Ever' night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."
"That's a bunch of junk!!! Fish can't do that!!!"
The feller looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "Hit's the truth. I'll show you. Hit really works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
The feller poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?"
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH!"
"What fish?"
In Tennessee we may not be as smart as some, but we ain't as dumb as most.....

[#165]

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Even though he didn't much like the kid, he was interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing.
He asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor laughed and said condescendingly, "That's a really big hole for a Goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

[#164]

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They "entertain themselves" for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.
Since it's her house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover watches her and listens intently, only hearing her side of the conversation.
Speaking in a cheery voice, she says, "Hello? Oh, hi I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific! Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that "Oh," she replies, "that was my husband. He was telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

[#163]

My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"
I said "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about."
She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant!
I was ecstatic!
We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"
Then, she said "Oh, honey, There's more."
I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said, (You're going to love this!) "Well, that was the easy part.
I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"

[#162]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago ! I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always
be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall Chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.

[#161]

A young journalism graduate from Kentucky had gone to work for the New York Times. His first assignment was to write a brief human interest story. An idea came to him and he returned to one of the most remote areas he knew of in his home state of Kentucky.
Deep in the woods, he came upon a farmer’s house and decided this would be a good place to start. He introduced himself to the back country farmer and explained why he was there. The farmer (named Farmer Mahon) agreed to answer his questions. The reporter asked the farmer what event in his life had made him the happiest?
Farmer Mahon replied, "One time a neighbor lost one of his sheep. We all formed a posse and found it. After we all screwed it we took it back to the farmer that lost it." "I can't print that," said the reporter, "Is there another event that made you really happy?"
Farmer Mahon thought for a minute and said, "Yep. One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a good-lookin' young girl. We all formed a posse and found her. After all of us screwed her, we took her back to her daddy."
A gain the reporter knew he couldn't print the story and decided to take a different tack. He asked Farmer Mahon, "Is there any event in your life that has made you really sad?"
Farmer Mahon hung his head and replied, "Well, I got lost once."

[#160]

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple that drove their car to Walmart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassie. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaring public ones.
Unable to stad the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three (3) stitches in his forehead.

[#159]

On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.
On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten years, so that's what I'll do, too, okay?" And God agreed.
On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty, and I'll give back the other forty."
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry, and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years? Tell you what: I'll take my twenty and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back. That makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "you've got a deal."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

[#158]

Quite a laugh, be careful where your utensils are coming from in a restaurant. How can any of us eat out now!
THE STRING AND THE SPOON
A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization.
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well, "he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare.
"I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

[#157]

Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?" The trooper trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken."
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 127."

[#156] Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into
all other programs and now monitors all other system activity, such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0! in the background while attempting to run my
favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User.

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once Installed!

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

>WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

[#155] An old lady went to the store to buy some food for her dog. Upon reaching the check-out, the clerk told her "I'm sorry ma'am, but the store manager heard that many old ladies on limited incomes buy dog food and eat it themselves. We now have a policy - if you want to buy dog food, you have to show us your dog."

Annoyed, the lady went home, got her faithful Fido, and returned to the store, where they sold her the dog food without question.

The next day, she returned to the store to buy cat food. Again, she's reproached by the cashier: "I'm sorry ma'am, but the store manager heard that many old ladies on limited incomes buy cat food and eat it themselves. We now have a policy - if you want to buy cat food, you have to show us your cat."

Frustrated, the woman stormed home, retrieved her precious fluffy and returned to the store, where she was sold her cat food without further incident.

The next day, the woman returned to the store and strode right up to the cashier with a box in her hand.

"Put your hand in this box," she told the puzzled clerk.

"What's in it?" the clerk asked.

"Just put your hand in here," the lady said.

"No, there's probably something in there that will bite me"

"Nothing will bite you, I promise."

Reluctantly, the clerk put her hand in the box, felt the contents, pulled them out to examine them and let out a scream. Smiling, the old lady asked "now, may I please buy some toilet paper?"

[#154] THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY

AFTER THEIR 11TH CHILD, AN ARKANSAS COUPLE DECIDED THAT WAS ENOUGH AS THEY COULD NOT AFFORD A LARGER BED. SO THE HUSBAND WENT TO HIS VETERINARIAN AND TOLD HIM THAT HE AND HIS COUSIN DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE ANY MORE CHILDREN.

THE DOCTOR TOLD HIM THAT THERE WAS A PROCEDURE CALLED A VASECTOMY THAT COULD FIX THE PROBLEM BUT THAT IT WAS EXPENSIVE. "A LESS COSTLY ALTERNATIVE, SAID THE DOCTOR, "IS TO GO HOME, GET A CHERRY BOMB, LIGHT IT, PUT IT IN A BEER CAN, THEN HOLD THE CAN UP TO YOUR EAR AND COUNT TO 10."

THE ARKANSAS HILLBILLY SAID TO THE DOCTOR, "I MAY NOT BE THE SMARTEST TOOL IN THE SHED, BUT I DON'T SEE HOW PUTTING A CHERRY BOMB IN A BEER CAN NEXT TO MY EAR IS GOING TO HELP ME."
"TRUST ME," SAID THE DOCTOR.

SO THE MAN WENT HOME, LIT A CHERRY BOMB AND PUT IT IN A BEER CAN. HE HELD THE CAN UP TO HIS EAR AND BEGAN TO COUNT
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
AT WHICH POINT HE PAUSED, PLACED THE BEER CAN BETWEEN HIS LEGS, AND RESUMED COUNTING ON HIS OTHER HAND.

THIS PROCEDURE ALSO WORKS IN TENNESSEE, KENTUCKY, ALABAMA, LOUISIANA, MISSISSIPPI, MISSOURI AND WEST VIRGINIA !

[#153] Newlyweds.
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, loolie loolie...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..." He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc. "But sweet honey... at the bar... you know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, cutie pie?...
"LISTEN UP, D---HEAD! DRINK YOUR F--KING BEER IN YOUR GOD-D--N FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERF---ING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, A--HOLE?"

[#152] A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Little Johnny what
is your problem?"

Little Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

The teacher had enough. She took Little Johnny to the principal's office. While Little Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Little Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Little Johnny: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Little Johnny: "36"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Little Johnny can go to the third-grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Little Johnny both agree.

Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

Little Johnny: "Legs"

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" (The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)

Little Johnny: "Pockets"

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Little Johnny: "Pants"

Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"

(The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)

Little Johnny: "Coconut"

Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

Little Johnny: "Bubblegum"

Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)

Little Johnny: "Shake hands"

Teacher: "Now I will ask some '"Who am I" sort of questions, okay?"

Little Johnny: "Yup"

Teacher: you blow me, you feel good"

Little Johnny: "Nose"

Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver"

Little Johnny: "Arrow"

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?"

Little Johnny: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put his ass in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself

[#151}A lady came home to an empty house, and saw a note from her husband, addressed to her, lying on the coffee table:

To my dear wife, it began,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, with your 54-year old body, can no longer supply. I am very happy with you, I love you very much, and I value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this note, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

Please don't be perturbed. I shall endeavor to be back home before midnight.

Love, Hubby.

When the man came home, just before the witching hour, the house was empty and the following note addressed to him was waiting on the dining room table:

To my Dear Husband,

I received your note, and I thank you for your honesty. I love you too, but I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.

At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Fiesta Hotel with my tennis coach, Michael who, like your secretary, is also 18 years old.

As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of mathmatics, you will understand that we are in the same situation, but with one small difference.... 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18, so you will have to make your own breakfast and lunch tomorrow. See you around tea time.

Your loving Wifey.

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